Vampires in the Morgue-Part Three

Narrative/Dialogue I wish I had read in Breaking Dawn.

Bella:  "Oh Edward!  Sex is so much fun!  I had no idea!"

Edward:  "Yeah baby!  Yeah!"

Bella:  "Edward, I've decided something.  I'd like to postpone becoming a vampire because...well...because I like sex and I'm worried that I won't enjoy it as much when I'm a vampire."

Edward:  "Bitch please!  You've been riding my ass for two years now!  Edward.  Kill me Edward!  Please turn me into a vampire!  Suck me Edward! Suck me!"

Edward:  Now brace yourself woman!  This is gonna hurt like hell!"

Bella:  Oh Edward!  You're so bad!


Oh Edward!

Smelly Guy-The Finale - I Promise! This is it!

The day before my date with Smelly Guy, I began by following through with my usual routine....I went to work. Exciting! Nothing spectacular happened that day, or at least, nothing that I can remember.

Just before 1900 hours, when I'm officially off duty, he called.

Smelly Guy: "Are we still on for tonight?"

Me: "Yeah. I have to run home and change real quick but I'm still planning on being there."

Smelly Guy: "Cool. Well I just ordered Chinese Food for dinner so I might be a little late."

Me: "Okay."

How late could he be? Chinese food usually shows up right after you hang up the phone.

I grabbed my stuff and as I was walking out the door, turned to one of my coworkers who is a retired Homicide Detective and said:

Me: "Okay, I'm off to meet my blind date. So if I don't show up to work tomorrow..."

Coworker: "You don't show up tomorrow and I'm coming to find you."

Me: "Okay. Start behind the Barnes and Noble. There's a nice wooded area out back."

Coworker: "Ah FUCK! Don't talk like that! What the hell is the matter with you! That shit's not funny!"

He slammed a case file that he had in hands down on his desk and then reached for a pen and paper.

Coworker: "Gimme he's fucking name and anything else you know about him!"

After my interrogation I left.

I got to the bookstore just after 8 pm and sat down at the coffee shop. Maybe it's just me, but I figured that this was the most logical place to meet someone. I pulled a book out of my purse (yes, I'm that nerdy) and began reading. The bad thing about me and reading is that I tend to lose all track of time. So when my phone rang I was shocked to see that it was now 9:30 pm.

Smelly Guy: "Are we still on for tonight?"

Amazing. It's dejavu. I swear I've had this conversation at least once today.

Me: "Yeah. I'm here waiting for you."

Smelly Guy: "Oh. Okay. I just got done eating. It took forever for them to deliver the Chinese food."

On what planet?


Smelly Guy: "I'll be over in a few minutes."

Me: "Okay."

About 15 minutes later he called again.

Smelly Guy: "I'm here. Where are you?"

Me: "Inside."

Smelly Guy: "No kidding! Where specifically?"

Me: "The coffee shop."

Smelly Guy: "I'm headed in."

It's about damn time.

Oh. If I had only paid attention to all of those clues that I mentioned in the last post then I could have been spared this. Now granted, it was a date at a book store. I wasn't glammed up. I was wearing a sweater, a pair of blue jeans and some boots. I looked bookstore-date appropriate. HE, on the other hand, is the purpose of this blog.

In he walked. And oh what a sight he was. He had on an old baseball cap which he never took off the entire time (trust me...I'm okay with that). He had shoulder length dark hair that was greasy and uncombed and matched the greasy stubble that was all over his face that covered the overall greasy nature of his skin. His glasses were so dirty that I couldn't see his eyes. He was also wearing a denim jacket with white cotton sleeves. The sleeves were dirty and the cuffs looked like something had been knawing on them. The denim portion of the jacket had some kind of a yellow stain on it. The entire jacket REAKED to high hell of stale, skanky, cigarette smoke and urine. Underneath the jacket was an old tee-shirt, which to show me why he wouldn't take the jacket off he unzipped just the top portion. The tee-shirt was also dirty and torn around the collar. And above the collar was a greasy tuff of chest hair protruding out of the tee-shirt. As for body type. His profile indicated that he was average in weight. Average my ass. He's obese. I probably wouldn't have notice the obesity so much if my date had bothered to bathe before arriving.

I lasted about 45 minutes and that after that told him it was time for me to go home. He walked me out to my care (something I was very uncomfortable with but didn't know how to get out of). As we approached my car he pointed to it and said:

Smelly Guy: "Is that your car?"

Me: "Yeah"

Smelly Guy: "It's really dirty. You need to wash it."

Really? So's your jacket!

Needless to say that was the only encounter with Smelly Guy I've had.

Smelly Guy-Party Four A

First and foremost I would like to apologize for the delay in my postings.  I've been out of town recently.

This final bit in my series of "How not to date a Death Investigator" definitely falls under the category of "I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Smelly Guy (yes there is a very good reason for this nickname-unfortunately) and I met online.  That fact alone should have been my first clue.  He also never posted his picture and when I asked him to send me one, would conveniently forget.  That should have been my second clue-although I pride myself on not being the kind of girl who would reject someone based on their looks.

As most patterns to online dating follow we started off with emails and then phone calls.  Wow!  The phone calls--Yeah that really should have been the third clue.  Apparently I'm clueless.  Oh well!  Live and learn-and then blog about it for everyone to see-and live and learn.

The first phone call was a basic phone call where we got to know each other.  I learned that Smelly Guy had a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science and that he worked for some company located down town in the business district.  Nothing suspicious there.

The second phone call, he apparently decided to step things up a few notches.

Smelly Guy:  "Did you get that YouTube Clip I sent you earlier?"

Me:  "Yeah.  I haven't had time to look at it yet."

Smelly Guy:  "Are we still on for tomorrow night?"

Me:  "Yep. Barnes and Noble at 8 pm."

Smelly Guy:  "Well, if you have any problems downloading that video just let me know and when I come over tomorrow night I'll pull it up for you.  It's hilarious."

Wait.  What?  What did he say?  He's what? 

Me:  "Huh?"

Smelly Guy:  "What?"

Me:  "What about tomorrow night?"

Smelly Guy:  "Well you know...after the date...."

Me:  "There is no after the date.  After the date, you go to your home and I got to my home."

Smelly Guy:  "Why can't I come over?"

Me:  "I can't let you into my apartment on the first date."

Smelly Guy:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Because you're a stranger."

Duh.

Smelly Guy:  "Oh come on.  I'm not going to do anything."

Me:  "I appreciate that but there's really no point in letting you into my apartment on the first date."

Smelly Guy:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Because I'm not going to have sex with you."

Smelly Guy:  "Says who?"

Me:  "Me."

Smelly Guy:  "Listen."

Seriously?  He's not actually trying to reason with me is he?"

Smelly Guy:  "I'm going to come over after we meet up at Barnes and Noble and you're gonna trust that I'm a nice guy who's not going to hurt you."

Spoken like a true serial rapist/killer.  Ted Bundy couldn't have done better.

Me:  "Hmm.  Let me think about that for a minute...Um NO"

Smelly Guy:  "Well then, if you're that concerned then just have one of your cop friends do a background check on me."

One of my cop friends?  Is that like a challenge or something? 

Me:  "Sure.  I could do that.  But ya know...I guarantee that the shit you've been caught doing isn't nearly as frightening as the shit that you haven't been caught doing."

Smelly Guy:  "Well then, I guess you'll have to invite me over so I can prove to you that I'm harmless."

Me:  "Or...I could tell my cop friends that I'm planning on inviting a guy over to my apartment whom I don't know and whom I met on the internet.  I'm sure they would be more than happy to spare you a felony and murder me for you."

Ooh.  Or a fate worse than death, they could taser me into unconsciousness and when I awake, I'm locked inside of my mother's house in Ohio with an ankle-monitoring bracelet that emits electric shocks whenever I get within a certain range of the doors or windows.

Me:  "Listen, I'm sure you're harmless but I have rules that I follow religiously whenever I date any guy and I'm not going to break them for you or for anyone else."

Smelly Guy:  "And what are those rules?"

Fuck!  He called my bluff.  Think fast.  Think fast.  Rules.  What rules?  What's a good rule?  Ah ha! Got it!

Me: "Well, for starters, the 30 day rule."

Smelly Guy:  "The 30 day rule?"

Me:  "Yeah, I never let any guys into my apartment until we've dated for at least 30 days."

Smelly Guy:  "So after 30 days I can come inside your apartment?"

Me:  "No.  I said a minimum of 30 days.  There's no guarantee that after 30 days I'll let you in either."

Smelly Guy:  "Well how are we supposed to get to know each other?"

Me:  "The old-fashioned way.  We meet at very public places like movie theaters, restaurants, bookstores, bowling alleys etc. And get to know each other that way."

Smelly Guy: (Clearly frustrated and gasping for air)  "But.....I.....I didn't....I didn't budget for this!"

Wait.  WTF did he say?  Pause for instant replay.

Smelly Guy: "But.....I.....I didn't....I didn't budget for this!"

No he did NOT just say that.  One more time for the record.

Smelly Guy: "But.....I.....I didn't....I didn't budget for this!"

Me:  "Huh?"

Smelly Guy:  "Movies, restaurants, bowling alleys...these things cost money!  I didn't budget for this!  I'm trying to rebuild my 401K!"

Wow!  Way to make a girl feel special!  I didn't budget for my lunch today but I still bought it.

Me:  "Well I didn't expect you to pay for me."

Smelly Guy:  "Now you make me sound cheap."

Didn't take much did it?

Me:  Well, hey, these are my conditions and if you're not game, that's fine.  No skin off of my nose.  We can call it quits right here and now.  Sooner or later I'll find someone else willing to follow my rules."

Smelly Guy:  " (sigh)  No.  I'll figure something out."

Me:  "Are you sure?"

After all, you have your 401K to rebuild.

Smelly Guy:  "Yeah.  I'll see you tomorrow night."

Me:  "I'll be there."

This is going to be interesting.

*****To Be Continued****

The Religious Guy-Part Three

Where to begin with this one.  This guy is, overall, a nice guy.  Clean cut and practices good hygiene (I'll explain that one later), a father of two, recently divorced.  He's about ten years older than me.  He is also very, very religious.  Religion isn't a bad thing but it's not something I'm exposed to often.  Well, Religious Guy and I went out a couple of times and the dates were fun but there were occasions where he talked down to me like I was a child.  That's never a good idea.

Let me be the first to admit that I have a potty mouth!  I work with people who have a potty mouth!  Having a potty mouth is just the way that I am.  Rest assured, I know when to mute the potty mouth and talk like a lady, but I typically save that vocabulary for more formal settings.

I can't remember exactly when but during one of our conversations I either said "shit" or "fuck".  That did not go over well with him.

Religious Guy:  "Use your nice words, missy!"

Seriously!  Did he just tell me to use my nice words?  WTF?

Me:  "I'm sorry."

Religious Guy:  "It's nothing to be sorry about.  But you shouldn't talk that way."

If he thinks I'm bad he should hear my grandmother talk, and she goes to church every Sunday.

Pause for a momentary silence......

Me:  "Does that rule apply to sex?  'Cause if so, you and I are gonna have some problems."

Dear Hospital Staff

Dear Hospital Staff,

Recently we came to your hospital and presented to you on the topic of Correct Death Reporting Procedures.  However, since that time, it has become abundantly clear that you were not paying attention at all.  I've taking the liberty of jotting down some things that are of concern to my office, in hopes of rectifying this situation in a professional manner.

#1.  Contrary to your beliefs, my office is not a dumping ground for the recently departed.  Not every death that lands in your emergency room automatically becomes a Coroner's case.  There are steps that YOU are required to take in determining if the death of YOUR patient meets the criteria to be reported to my office.  In addition to that individual's name, date of birth, admission, time, pronounce time and next-of-kin contact information, YOU will also need to gather medical history information, determine if the patient was treated by a primary care physician, contact that physician and find out if that physician will sign the death certificate.  THIS IS YOUR JOB!

For example, a 95 year old with a history of hypertension, stroke, heart attack, liver cancer, prostate cancer, and kidney cancer, who is under the care of  a primary care doctor (or in this case, a primary care doctor, cardiologist and oncologist) does not meet the criteria for being reported to the Coroner's office, just because he dies in your emergency room.  This is why you have to collect all of the previously discussed information-so that you can determine what needs to be reported. 

You might be asking yourself:  "What does the Coroner do?" 

Well, once you determine if the death meets the criteria to be reported to my office, my office will then make the determination as to whether or not we need to investigate this death further.  There's a whole lot more involved than that but since you're having problems understanding the most basic instructions, I thought I'd provide you with the Cliff's Note's version.  All spelled out real nice with small words.

In addition to the fabulous powerpoint presentation we gave to your hospital, that included gruesome and graphic visual effects, we also gave you a copy of the death reporting form that our investigator's use to collect information from you when you call.  The purpose of providing you with this form was so that you would know what information we would be asking of you when you called us. 

This next complaint is probably our fault for not explaining the obvious to you.  The purpose of the death reporting form was not so that you and your staff could fax it over to us in lieu of calling us. 

#2  Approximately three weeks ago a member of your staff filled out the form, providing next-of-kin information, medical history and a doctor who was willing to sign the death certificate.  YAY! To that employee who collected that information.  PROBLEM:  That employee did not include on the form, the name of the individual who had died and also neglected to mention that the person who died, succumbed to a gun shot wound to the chest.  Other problem:  a hospital doctor cannot sign a death certificate under those circumstances.  I thought that had been made clear when we went over the section that covered Traumatic Deaths, but then, maybe not.

In a final note:  Pissing contests are generally unacceptable and my office would like to avoid them all together.  Therefore, it would be best for all involved parties if, rather than throw a temper tantrum and refuse to collect this information, you would be a good sport and collect it like you're supposed too.

Sincerely,


The Investigator who's wondering "Where the hell were you when I went over this?"

P.S.

For those of your hospital staff who detest contacting my office to report deaths, I would like to state that there is a way to avoid any future unpleasant conversations.  Of course, it would require you and your staff to discontinue killing your patients.  Challenging!  I know.

Surfer Dude: Part 2 of 4

Okay so you're probably asking what's up with "Surfer Dude".  There came a point in time where I was interacting with enough guys online that I began giving them nicknames so that I could keep them straight when I was talking about them with my friends.

Surfer Dude and I never actually made it to a first date.  Well, I almost made it to our first date.  He cancelled on me when I was five minutes away from our chosen location.  Go figure!

Anyway, Surfer Dude sounded just like a stereotypical Surfer Dude from the way he spoke to the way he chuckled.  It was kind of irritating, but then again, so am I.  Why judge?

During one of our many phone conversations my career came up once again.

Surfer Dude:  So, like, huh huh, how did you get into death investigation?

Me:  Well, I was always interested in Forensic Science but I wasn't very good at Chemistry, Biology or Physics.  Eventually I lucked out and found a graduate program that didn't require a background in any one of those.

Him:  Do you where leather pants to crime scenes?

Ignoring that.  Moving along. Moving along to where?  Help.  A little help please!

Him: Just kidding.

Not totally convinced.

Him:  So you didn't have to take a lot of science courses?

Me:  Nope.

Him:  So you're not like a geek?

What?

Me:  Huh?

Him:  A geek?  You know, someone who spends all their time in school studying and reading a lot and stuff.  Huh. Huh.

Okay.  I spent six years of my life in college.  Where's he going with this?

Me:  Yeah, actually I am a geek. But, I'm okay with that.

Of course, I had to endure/suffer through four years of high school and being the butt of every Jock and Cheerleader's brutal joke and my therapist says I have a ways to go before I'll recover.  But, other than that, I'm okay with being a geek.  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP!

Despite that conversation I still agreed to meet him for coffee.  However, that was the date where he cancelled while I was en route.  Needless to say, his conversational skills were not enough for me to give him a second chance.

How not to Date a Death Investigator: Part 1 of 4

Actually, this rule/scenario probably applies to anyone who works with in the law enforcement community.

Everyday for the past several months I tell myself, "Thank God I've met a wonderful man!  I've never been more relieved to never have to do online dating anymore."

Not long after my divorce I decided that it was time for me to get out there and date.  The problem I had was that I was relatively new to the city I lived in and really didn't know anyone outside of work.  The other problem I had was the long hours I worked made it really hard to meet people.

So....after watching countless advertisements on television, I chose to try out a dating website.  I would have to say overall, that online dating is a BIG disappointment.  While my experiences weren't all bad, I don't know that I would go that route again.

Bachelor number 1:  A decent looking-photo on the internet.  He's only a couple years older than me.  College educated, divorced with one child.  All-in-all not such a bad combination.

We meet for lunch at a pretty nice restaurant for our first date.  He's good-looking and charming.  We have a nice time so we agree to meet for a second date.  This time it's a night out on the town. 

During the second date he starts asking me more about my career and what it's like working as a death investigator.

So I start talking about it and the people I work with and then and I mention to him that my coworker's and I tend to meet a bar not far from where I live one night a week.

Me:  You should join us sometime.  I think my friends would like you.

Him:  Your friends.  Yeah.  Are any of your friends cops?

Red flag #1.  Anytime the guys mentions that, it's probably not a good sign.

Me:  Yeah.  Some of them are.  Some of them are also retired police officers who work for my office and some of them work in Crime Scene.  Why?

Him:  I kind of have this thing against cops.

The little voice in my head screams "Run Away!  Run Away!"

Me:  Why?

Him:  I've been arrested three times.  I don't like cops. 

Wow!  He neglected to mention that on his online profile.  I learned later that night that he was also a gambler and a bookie.  This was definitely not someone I could bring home to my mother.  I don't expect the men I date to be perfect but I do expect a clean record.

Dear Applicant(s)

Dear Applicant(s):

Many people, when applying for a job, believe that their time to "shine" starts at the interview.  I regret to inform you that this is not so.  Your time to shine, infact, starts from the time you submit your application and resume.  Every communication you make with my office after that is also part of your interview process.  That being said I have some suggestions to share with you so that you'll make it to the actual interview.

First, make sure you spell check your resume and application.  Yes, this may seem obvious, however this basic information seems to elude many. 

Second, please follow the application instructions.  For example, for whatever reason, the managers at my office request that you fax the application and resume with a cover letter.  FAX.  No email, no dropping the application off in person.  No snail mail.  And yes, I agree, this does seem a little absurd and lacking in logic.  However, this is the line of thinking that governs my office.  Welcome.  I hope you enjoy your stay.

Also, please be advised that when you call to make inquiries regarding the application process, everything you say to your potential employers or coworkers is being graded.

For example:  One applicant contacted me regarding her application.  She wanted to email it to me.  I advised her that emailed applications would not be accepted and that she would have to fax her application per the instructions listed. 

Her response:    "I don't have access to a fax machine."

Seriously?  You're applying for a position as an investigator.  In general, it is expected that investigators will be resourceful and problem-solvers.  Congratulations!  You just told a prospective coworker that you are either lazy or incapable of finding a Fed-Ex Kinko's or any other office supply store that has a fax available for public use.  And no, I won't keep information like that to myself.  My supervisor will hear about it should you actually make it to the interview.  Why?  Because I don't want to have to pick up your slack.  This is a busy office and while we are more than willing to train people on-the-job, none of us have time to hold your hand through the entire process.

In this particular case, however, I agreed to let this applicant email her application to me.  Why?  I know what it's like to start from the bottom and believe that everyone should have a fair chance.  So yes, I broke the rules for her.  The application was due by midnight on this particular night.  I instructed her to email her application to me no later than midnight and I would submit it to my supervisor the next day.  I was very, very clear to her when I explained this.  In no uncertain terms I told her that if her application was so much as one minute late, it would not be accepted.

Twelve hours later (way the hell past the deadline), I received her application by email with a note that read:

Per our conversation, here is my application and resume.  I sent it to you with in the time frame that you specified.

Liar!  Liar! Pants on fire!  Nice try though.  I went ahead and gave it to my supervisor but not before I told him that she failed to submit it by the deadline.  Dear Prospective Applicant:  Your application landed inside of the recycle bin.  Way to save a tree!

Finally, please demonstrate a little patience through this process.  While our office is open 24/7.  The managers (the people who actually get to look at your application) work Monday-Friday from 8 pm to 5 pm.  Therefore, you should know that when you call the office at 10:30 pm to find out if your application was received, the investigator answering the phone will not be able to help.  And no, we cannot break into the supervisor's office to see if it's on his desk.  You'll have to call back during normal business hours to find out.  Sorry about your luck!

Wishing You the Best of Luck!



Someone who has been there and done that!


P.S.

Because we run into this from time to time I would like to state for the record that you are applying for a position as a death investigator.  Therefore, it is safe to assume that you will encounter dead people quite frequently in your career here.  This also means that you will have to touch them, move them, undress them, photograph them, draw fluids from them and, in the event that it is a decomposed body or homeless person, tolerate extremely unpleasant odors.  No!  You cannot work here as an investigator and avoid any of the above.

Vampires in the Morgue-Part Two

So I broke down and reluctanctly read the third installment of the Twilight Series and, quite frankly, if it hadn't been for the support of my friends/coworkers, I never would have made it to the end of the book.

Bella!  Bella! Bella!  She has to be the most irritating, whiny-assed, clumsy, idiot that I've ever encountered. I swear if I have to read one more line about she doesn't want to be alive anymore because she would rather be a vampire, I'll kill her myself!

Whine, Whine, Whine.  That's all she does through out the entire book!  She doesn't want a graduation party, she doesn't want a sleepover with Alice, she doesn't want to miss the fight, she doesn't want Edward to fight, she doesn't want Jacob to fight.  She's in love with Edward.  She's in love with Jacob.  She can't live with out Edward.  She can't live with out Jacob.  OH MY GOD!  I found myself shouting out several times:

EDWARD!  For the love of God!  Just kill her so she'll shut up!

Then comes the part where she's begging him to have sex with her and he refuses.

Are you kidding me?  Jesus Edward!  Are you gay!  Have sex with her so she'll shut up!

I think for me the best part of the book was when she punched Jacob and broke her hand.  That was funny!  It stuck it through to the very end because I had hoped that Bella would get her ass kicked during the fight scene.  No such luck!

Anyway, in case you're wondering, and, assuming you actually care.  I'll read the fourth book too.  What the hell?  It can't get any worse.  Right?  Please?