Okay so you're probably asking what's up with "Surfer Dude". There came a point in time where I was interacting with enough guys online that I began giving them nicknames so that I could keep them straight when I was talking about them with my friends.
Surfer Dude and I never actually made it to a first date. Well, I almost made it to our first date. He cancelled on me when I was five minutes away from our chosen location. Go figure!
Anyway, Surfer Dude sounded just like a stereotypical Surfer Dude from the way he spoke to the way he chuckled. It was kind of irritating, but then again, so am I. Why judge?
During one of our many phone conversations my career came up once again.
Surfer Dude: So, like, huh huh, how did you get into death investigation?
Me: Well, I was always interested in Forensic Science but I wasn't very good at Chemistry, Biology or Physics. Eventually I lucked out and found a graduate program that didn't require a background in any one of those.
Him: Do you where leather pants to crime scenes?
Ignoring that. Moving along. Moving along to where? Help. A little help please!
Him: Just kidding.
Not totally convinced.
Him: So you didn't have to take a lot of science courses?
Me: Nope.
Him: So you're not like a geek?
What?
Me: Huh?
Him: A geek? You know, someone who spends all their time in school studying and reading a lot and stuff. Huh. Huh.
Okay. I spent six years of my life in college. Where's he going with this?
Me: Yeah, actually I am a geek. But, I'm okay with that.
Of course, I had to endure/suffer through four years of high school and being the butt of every Jock and Cheerleader's brutal joke and my therapist says I have a ways to go before I'll recover. But, other than that, I'm okay with being a geek. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP!
Despite that conversation I still agreed to meet him for coffee. However, that was the date where he cancelled while I was en route. Needless to say, his conversational skills were not enough for me to give him a second chance.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
How not to Date a Death Investigator: Part 1 of 4
Actually, this rule/scenario probably applies to anyone who works with in the law enforcement community.
Everyday for the past several months I tell myself, "Thank God I've met a wonderful man! I've never been more relieved to never have to do online dating anymore."
Not long after my divorce I decided that it was time for me to get out there and date. The problem I had was that I was relatively new to the city I lived in and really didn't know anyone outside of work. The other problem I had was the long hours I worked made it really hard to meet people.
So....after watching countless advertisements on television, I chose to try out a dating website. I would have to say overall, that online dating is a BIG disappointment. While my experiences weren't all bad, I don't know that I would go that route again.
Bachelor number 1: A decent looking-photo on the internet. He's only a couple years older than me. College educated, divorced with one child. All-in-all not such a bad combination.
We meet for lunch at a pretty nice restaurant for our first date. He's good-looking and charming. We have a nice time so we agree to meet for a second date. This time it's a night out on the town.
During the second date he starts asking me more about my career and what it's like working as a death investigator.
So I start talking about it and the people I work with and then and I mention to him that my coworker's and I tend to meet a bar not far from where I live one night a week.
Me: You should join us sometime. I think my friends would like you.
Him: Your friends. Yeah. Are any of your friends cops?
Red flag #1. Anytime the guys mentions that, it's probably not a good sign.
Me: Yeah. Some of them are. Some of them are also retired police officers who work for my office and some of them work in Crime Scene. Why?
Him: I kind of have this thing against cops.
The little voice in my head screams "Run Away! Run Away!"
Me: Why?
Him: I've been arrested three times. I don't like cops.
Wow! He neglected to mention that on his online profile. I learned later that night that he was also a gambler and a bookie. This was definitely not someone I could bring home to my mother. I don't expect the men I date to be perfect but I do expect a clean record.
Everyday for the past several months I tell myself, "Thank God I've met a wonderful man! I've never been more relieved to never have to do online dating anymore."
Not long after my divorce I decided that it was time for me to get out there and date. The problem I had was that I was relatively new to the city I lived in and really didn't know anyone outside of work. The other problem I had was the long hours I worked made it really hard to meet people.
So....after watching countless advertisements on television, I chose to try out a dating website. I would have to say overall, that online dating is a BIG disappointment. While my experiences weren't all bad, I don't know that I would go that route again.
Bachelor number 1: A decent looking-photo on the internet. He's only a couple years older than me. College educated, divorced with one child. All-in-all not such a bad combination.
We meet for lunch at a pretty nice restaurant for our first date. He's good-looking and charming. We have a nice time so we agree to meet for a second date. This time it's a night out on the town.
During the second date he starts asking me more about my career and what it's like working as a death investigator.
So I start talking about it and the people I work with and then and I mention to him that my coworker's and I tend to meet a bar not far from where I live one night a week.
Me: You should join us sometime. I think my friends would like you.
Him: Your friends. Yeah. Are any of your friends cops?
Red flag #1. Anytime the guys mentions that, it's probably not a good sign.
Me: Yeah. Some of them are. Some of them are also retired police officers who work for my office and some of them work in Crime Scene. Why?
Him: I kind of have this thing against cops.
The little voice in my head screams "Run Away! Run Away!"
Me: Why?
Him: I've been arrested three times. I don't like cops.
Wow! He neglected to mention that on his online profile. I learned later that night that he was also a gambler and a bookie. This was definitely not someone I could bring home to my mother. I don't expect the men I date to be perfect but I do expect a clean record.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Dear Applicant(s)
Dear Applicant(s):
Many people, when applying for a job, believe that their time to "shine" starts at the interview. I regret to inform you that this is not so. Your time to shine, infact, starts from the time you submit your application and resume. Every communication you make with my office after that is also part of your interview process. That being said I have some suggestions to share with you so that you'll make it to the actual interview.
First, make sure you spell check your resume and application. Yes, this may seem obvious, however this basic information seems to elude many.
Second, please follow the application instructions. For example, for whatever reason, the managers at my office request that you fax the application and resume with a cover letter. FAX. No email, no dropping the application off in person. No snail mail. And yes, I agree, this does seem a little absurd and lacking in logic. However, this is the line of thinking that governs my office. Welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Also, please be advised that when you call to make inquiries regarding the application process, everything you say to your potential employers or coworkers is being graded.
For example: One applicant contacted me regarding her application. She wanted to email it to me. I advised her that emailed applications would not be accepted and that she would have to fax her application per the instructions listed.
Her response: "I don't have access to a fax machine."
Seriously? You're applying for a position as an investigator. In general, it is expected that investigators will be resourceful and problem-solvers. Congratulations! You just told a prospective coworker that you are either lazy or incapable of finding a Fed-Ex Kinko's or any other office supply store that has a fax available for public use. And no, I won't keep information like that to myself. My supervisor will hear about it should you actually make it to the interview. Why? Because I don't want to have to pick up your slack. This is a busy office and while we are more than willing to train people on-the-job, none of us have time to hold your hand through the entire process.
In this particular case, however, I agreed to let this applicant email her application to me. Why? I know what it's like to start from the bottom and believe that everyone should have a fair chance. So yes, I broke the rules for her. The application was due by midnight on this particular night. I instructed her to email her application to me no later than midnight and I would submit it to my supervisor the next day. I was very, very clear to her when I explained this. In no uncertain terms I told her that if her application was so much as one minute late, it would not be accepted.
Twelve hours later (way the hell past the deadline), I received her application by email with a note that read:
Per our conversation, here is my application and resume. I sent it to you with in the time frame that you specified.
Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Nice try though. I went ahead and gave it to my supervisor but not before I told him that she failed to submit it by the deadline. Dear Prospective Applicant: Your application landed inside of the recycle bin. Way to save a tree!
Finally, please demonstrate a little patience through this process. While our office is open 24/7. The managers (the people who actually get to look at your application) work Monday-Friday from 8 pm to 5 pm. Therefore, you should know that when you call the office at 10:30 pm to find out if your application was received, the investigator answering the phone will not be able to help. And no, we cannot break into the supervisor's office to see if it's on his desk. You'll have to call back during normal business hours to find out. Sorry about your luck!
Wishing You the Best of Luck!
Someone who has been there and done that!
P.S.
Because we run into this from time to time I would like to state for the record that you are applying for a position as a death investigator. Therefore, it is safe to assume that you will encounter dead people quite frequently in your career here. This also means that you will have to touch them, move them, undress them, photograph them, draw fluids from them and, in the event that it is a decomposed body or homeless person, tolerate extremely unpleasant odors. No! You cannot work here as an investigator and avoid any of the above.
Many people, when applying for a job, believe that their time to "shine" starts at the interview. I regret to inform you that this is not so. Your time to shine, infact, starts from the time you submit your application and resume. Every communication you make with my office after that is also part of your interview process. That being said I have some suggestions to share with you so that you'll make it to the actual interview.
First, make sure you spell check your resume and application. Yes, this may seem obvious, however this basic information seems to elude many.
Second, please follow the application instructions. For example, for whatever reason, the managers at my office request that you fax the application and resume with a cover letter. FAX. No email, no dropping the application off in person. No snail mail. And yes, I agree, this does seem a little absurd and lacking in logic. However, this is the line of thinking that governs my office. Welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Also, please be advised that when you call to make inquiries regarding the application process, everything you say to your potential employers or coworkers is being graded.
For example: One applicant contacted me regarding her application. She wanted to email it to me. I advised her that emailed applications would not be accepted and that she would have to fax her application per the instructions listed.
Her response: "I don't have access to a fax machine."
Seriously? You're applying for a position as an investigator. In general, it is expected that investigators will be resourceful and problem-solvers. Congratulations! You just told a prospective coworker that you are either lazy or incapable of finding a Fed-Ex Kinko's or any other office supply store that has a fax available for public use. And no, I won't keep information like that to myself. My supervisor will hear about it should you actually make it to the interview. Why? Because I don't want to have to pick up your slack. This is a busy office and while we are more than willing to train people on-the-job, none of us have time to hold your hand through the entire process.
In this particular case, however, I agreed to let this applicant email her application to me. Why? I know what it's like to start from the bottom and believe that everyone should have a fair chance. So yes, I broke the rules for her. The application was due by midnight on this particular night. I instructed her to email her application to me no later than midnight and I would submit it to my supervisor the next day. I was very, very clear to her when I explained this. In no uncertain terms I told her that if her application was so much as one minute late, it would not be accepted.
Twelve hours later (way the hell past the deadline), I received her application by email with a note that read:
Per our conversation, here is my application and resume. I sent it to you with in the time frame that you specified.
Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Nice try though. I went ahead and gave it to my supervisor but not before I told him that she failed to submit it by the deadline. Dear Prospective Applicant: Your application landed inside of the recycle bin. Way to save a tree!
Finally, please demonstrate a little patience through this process. While our office is open 24/7. The managers (the people who actually get to look at your application) work Monday-Friday from 8 pm to 5 pm. Therefore, you should know that when you call the office at 10:30 pm to find out if your application was received, the investigator answering the phone will not be able to help. And no, we cannot break into the supervisor's office to see if it's on his desk. You'll have to call back during normal business hours to find out. Sorry about your luck!
Wishing You the Best of Luck!
Someone who has been there and done that!
P.S.
Because we run into this from time to time I would like to state for the record that you are applying for a position as a death investigator. Therefore, it is safe to assume that you will encounter dead people quite frequently in your career here. This also means that you will have to touch them, move them, undress them, photograph them, draw fluids from them and, in the event that it is a decomposed body or homeless person, tolerate extremely unpleasant odors. No! You cannot work here as an investigator and avoid any of the above.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Vampires in the Morgue-Part Two
So I broke down and reluctanctly read the third installment of the Twilight Series and, quite frankly, if it hadn't been for the support of my friends/coworkers, I never would have made it to the end of the book.
Bella! Bella! Bella! She has to be the most irritating, whiny-assed, clumsy, idiot that I've ever encountered. I swear if I have to read one more line about she doesn't want to be alive anymore because she would rather be a vampire, I'll kill her myself!
Whine, Whine, Whine. That's all she does through out the entire book! She doesn't want a graduation party, she doesn't want a sleepover with Alice, she doesn't want to miss the fight, she doesn't want Edward to fight, she doesn't want Jacob to fight. She's in love with Edward. She's in love with Jacob. She can't live with out Edward. She can't live with out Jacob. OH MY GOD! I found myself shouting out several times:
EDWARD! For the love of God! Just kill her so she'll shut up!
Then comes the part where she's begging him to have sex with her and he refuses.
Are you kidding me? Jesus Edward! Are you gay! Have sex with her so she'll shut up!
I think for me the best part of the book was when she punched Jacob and broke her hand. That was funny! It stuck it through to the very end because I had hoped that Bella would get her ass kicked during the fight scene. No such luck!
Anyway, in case you're wondering, and, assuming you actually care. I'll read the fourth book too. What the hell? It can't get any worse. Right? Please?
Bella! Bella! Bella! She has to be the most irritating, whiny-assed, clumsy, idiot that I've ever encountered. I swear if I have to read one more line about she doesn't want to be alive anymore because she would rather be a vampire, I'll kill her myself!
Whine, Whine, Whine. That's all she does through out the entire book! She doesn't want a graduation party, she doesn't want a sleepover with Alice, she doesn't want to miss the fight, she doesn't want Edward to fight, she doesn't want Jacob to fight. She's in love with Edward. She's in love with Jacob. She can't live with out Edward. She can't live with out Jacob. OH MY GOD! I found myself shouting out several times:
EDWARD! For the love of God! Just kill her so she'll shut up!
Then comes the part where she's begging him to have sex with her and he refuses.
Are you kidding me? Jesus Edward! Are you gay! Have sex with her so she'll shut up!
I think for me the best part of the book was when she punched Jacob and broke her hand. That was funny! It stuck it through to the very end because I had hoped that Bella would get her ass kicked during the fight scene. No such luck!
Anyway, in case you're wondering, and, assuming you actually care. I'll read the fourth book too. What the hell? It can't get any worse. Right? Please?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Don't Lie to the Death Investigator. It's Rude!
First and foremost I would like to state that I really do enjoy all of the police officers that I work with. They definitely make things a little more entertaining for me when I respond to a scene. However, there are a few that irritate the hell out of me -mainly, the ones who lie to me and actually think they can get away with it.
To all the Future and Current police officers out there please be advised that you should never lie to the death investigator. It's completely unnecessary and quite frankly rude! If you don't want to go inside and look at the icky dead guy, that's just fine by me. Some of my colleagues may chastise you for it but truthfully, we would all agree that it's just better not to lie about it. Why? Well, for one thing, in addition to chastising you for it, some of us may actually go above and beyond and make you look stupid for it too.
Case in Point. Once upon a time I received a call from a police officer who had responded to the scene of a decomposed individual. Among all the other information I usually ask, I also always ask who they have for next-of-kin.
His response: "We searched high and low through the apartment and couldn't find anything. Mr. X. did not list an emergency contact with the rental officer either."
Yay! I get to dig through a dead, smelly guy's apartment looking for next-of-kin! Yay!
That day, I dragged a long the office intern. I have to say she's a really good sport because we made her do all the dirty work. Like digging through the maggot masses on the body to make sure there weren't any injuries hiding underneath.
When we arrived on scene I handed the intern my camera and asked her to begin taking photographs while I dug through my scene kit getting all of my "toys" together that I would need.
Intern: "Um. I think you should take a look at this."
Me: "Why? What did you find?"
Intern: "There's something on the wall I think you should see."
Me: "It's not a bullet defect is it? Cause we didn't order a homicide today?"
Intern: "No."
The apartment was fairly small. All I really had to do from the doorway was turn a corner and then I was in the living room with the intern. The only other door in the apartment led into the bedroom where my "new friend" was waiting. On the wall, right next to the door, up at eye level, and, impossible for anyone to miss was a note that read the following:
In Case of Emergency Please Call:
___________ ______________
(xxx-xxx-xxxx)
This Is His Daughter
Me: "Couldn't find next-of-kin, huh?"
After photographing that piece of paper I took it down from the wall, walked back outside and handed to one of the officers.
Me: "Would you mind making notification. Here's the next-of-kin information."
Police Officer: "Wow! You guys must be magicians! Where'd you find that?"
Me: "Oh I didn't. The intern did. It was on the wall next to the door that led into the bedroom."
Police Officer: "Oh."
If it had occurred to me at the time this is how this would have ended.
Me: "Oh by the way. This guy's been shot. I think it's a homicide."
Both officers jumped when they heard this.
Police Officer: "Seriously?"
Me: "No. Not seriously. But you'd know that if you actually looked at him."
To all the Future and Current police officers out there please be advised that you should never lie to the death investigator. It's completely unnecessary and quite frankly rude! If you don't want to go inside and look at the icky dead guy, that's just fine by me. Some of my colleagues may chastise you for it but truthfully, we would all agree that it's just better not to lie about it. Why? Well, for one thing, in addition to chastising you for it, some of us may actually go above and beyond and make you look stupid for it too.
Case in Point. Once upon a time I received a call from a police officer who had responded to the scene of a decomposed individual. Among all the other information I usually ask, I also always ask who they have for next-of-kin.
His response: "We searched high and low through the apartment and couldn't find anything. Mr. X. did not list an emergency contact with the rental officer either."
Yay! I get to dig through a dead, smelly guy's apartment looking for next-of-kin! Yay!
That day, I dragged a long the office intern. I have to say she's a really good sport because we made her do all the dirty work. Like digging through the maggot masses on the body to make sure there weren't any injuries hiding underneath.
When we arrived on scene I handed the intern my camera and asked her to begin taking photographs while I dug through my scene kit getting all of my "toys" together that I would need.
Intern: "Um. I think you should take a look at this."
Me: "Why? What did you find?"
Intern: "There's something on the wall I think you should see."
Me: "It's not a bullet defect is it? Cause we didn't order a homicide today?"
Intern: "No."
The apartment was fairly small. All I really had to do from the doorway was turn a corner and then I was in the living room with the intern. The only other door in the apartment led into the bedroom where my "new friend" was waiting. On the wall, right next to the door, up at eye level, and, impossible for anyone to miss was a note that read the following:
In Case of Emergency Please Call:
___________ ______________
(xxx-xxx-xxxx)
This Is His Daughter
Me: "Couldn't find next-of-kin, huh?"
After photographing that piece of paper I took it down from the wall, walked back outside and handed to one of the officers.
Me: "Would you mind making notification. Here's the next-of-kin information."
Police Officer: "Wow! You guys must be magicians! Where'd you find that?"
Me: "Oh I didn't. The intern did. It was on the wall next to the door that led into the bedroom."
Police Officer: "Oh."
If it had occurred to me at the time this is how this would have ended.
Me: "Oh by the way. This guy's been shot. I think it's a homicide."
Both officers jumped when they heard this.
Police Officer: "Seriously?"
Me: "No. Not seriously. But you'd know that if you actually looked at him."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
A little patience please.
Dear Small Town Police Department,
It was brought to my attention recently that one of your officers filed a complaint against my office, specifically, me, because of a so-called "intentionally slow scene response". I would like to take this opportunity to remind your fellow officers of a couple of things.
First of all, I understand how tragic and difficult the night in question was for your officers. After all, how often does the town drunk manage to be on the wrong side of the cow right before his buddy tipped it? Yet that being said, the delayed response had nothing to do with a lack of sympathy or empathy on my part. At the time I received the call I was en route to a traffic fatality that the Metropolitan Police Department was investigating. I explained to the responding officer in Small Town, that I would be more than happy to wake up my supervisor at 0300 hours and have her respond from home.
Your officer then asked in a rather inappropriate tone "Well how long is it going to take her to get here?"
"Gee. I don't know. She's coming from home and, more than likely, has to put clothes on first."
"Well can't you respond?"
"No. Right now I'm picking up parts of a dead guy scattered all over the freeway. I'm very sorry, but you'll have to wait."
Truthfully, your dead drunk who was found in a field in the middle of nowhere is less likely to get any media attention than the unfortunate individual who's pieces I had to pick up that night. I chose him so that his family wouldn't wake up in the morning and see his bits on the 0600 news. While I can completely understand that the stress and horror of the evening you dealt with, I would like to bring to your attention that on the night in question the Metropolitan Police Department had to respond to and investigate three traffic fatalities, two drug overdoses and a homicide. So, between the two police departments, who do you think was having a worse night? I'll give you a hint....It wasn't you.
Also, please remember that every evening for a period of twelve hours there is only one death investigator on duty and that investigator is responsible for every police department, hospital, nursing home and hospice agency in four counties. I would ask that in the future your officers demonstrate a little more patience please.
Sincerely,
An Investigator who has had a long night.
P.S.
How's the cow doing?
It was brought to my attention recently that one of your officers filed a complaint against my office, specifically, me, because of a so-called "intentionally slow scene response". I would like to take this opportunity to remind your fellow officers of a couple of things.
First of all, I understand how tragic and difficult the night in question was for your officers. After all, how often does the town drunk manage to be on the wrong side of the cow right before his buddy tipped it? Yet that being said, the delayed response had nothing to do with a lack of sympathy or empathy on my part. At the time I received the call I was en route to a traffic fatality that the Metropolitan Police Department was investigating. I explained to the responding officer in Small Town, that I would be more than happy to wake up my supervisor at 0300 hours and have her respond from home.
Your officer then asked in a rather inappropriate tone "Well how long is it going to take her to get here?"
"Gee. I don't know. She's coming from home and, more than likely, has to put clothes on first."
"Well can't you respond?"
"No. Right now I'm picking up parts of a dead guy scattered all over the freeway. I'm very sorry, but you'll have to wait."
Truthfully, your dead drunk who was found in a field in the middle of nowhere is less likely to get any media attention than the unfortunate individual who's pieces I had to pick up that night. I chose him so that his family wouldn't wake up in the morning and see his bits on the 0600 news. While I can completely understand that the stress and horror of the evening you dealt with, I would like to bring to your attention that on the night in question the Metropolitan Police Department had to respond to and investigate three traffic fatalities, two drug overdoses and a homicide. So, between the two police departments, who do you think was having a worse night? I'll give you a hint....It wasn't you.
Also, please remember that every evening for a period of twelve hours there is only one death investigator on duty and that investigator is responsible for every police department, hospital, nursing home and hospice agency in four counties. I would ask that in the future your officers demonstrate a little more patience please.
Sincerely,
An Investigator who has had a long night.
P.S.
How's the cow doing?
Things police officers have said to me at death scenes.
1. "Hey look! It's Kay Scarpetta!"
Funny! Compare me to a fictional character. I bet you wouldn't think it was so funny if I walked up to you and said "Hey look! It's Barney Fife!"
2. "You work at the Coroner's office. You look so normal."
Thanks! Huh huh. SUCKER!
3. AWW Come one! Where's the leather pants and high heels?"
Seriously? It's one thing to offer my services at a death scene. It's another to be arrested for solicitation.
Funny! Compare me to a fictional character. I bet you wouldn't think it was so funny if I walked up to you and said "Hey look! It's Barney Fife!"
2. "You work at the Coroner's office. You look so normal."
Thanks! Huh huh. SUCKER!
3. AWW Come one! Where's the leather pants and high heels?"
Seriously? It's one thing to offer my services at a death scene. It's another to be arrested for solicitation.
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